7.31.2018

Oh. OCD.


How do I tell you that there is something wrong with my child?

How do I explain my lanky 10-year old’s toddler-like fits, his crippling fears over mundane things, his lengthy, peculiar rituals, his exhausting conversations that go nowhere but span across multiple days, or the downright rude things that come out of his middle-schooler-bucked tooth mouth?

I don’t know. I’m new at this.

I mean, I’m not new at having a child with abnormal tendencies. He’s shown glimpses of an obsessive level of stubbornness since infancy. I’m just new at understanding them – at understanding him, I guess.

Over the last couple of years, his… differentness… has shown itself with increasing vigor. This summer, the months before he will start 5th grade, have been the (so-far) culmination of difficulties. Instead of weeks or months between fits of strange behavior, there suddenly is almost no “normal” reprieve. I feel like I’m losing him behind a wall of… of… badness.  

My son has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

            He is plagued with obsessions and compulsions.

                        You do not have to repeat things to make them "feel right."
                        You do not have to wash your hands 4 times, for 45 seconds each.  
                        It is okay to use a school or public bathroom.

            He overestimates danger and so is tormented by bouts of intense fear.

                        You do not need to double lock every door and shut every window.
                        Your water bottle is not "contaminated."
                        No one is going to get into your bedroom with a grappling hook.
                        You do not need to sleep with the covers tightly over your head.
                        Please - for the love of God - stop coming into our room in the middle of the night asking to sleep on our floor and proceeding to scream about it for 30-75 torturous minutes.
           
            He craves absolute certainty and is crippled with stress in the absence of such.

                        Yes, I’ll be at the bus stop when you get off. Just like every previous 492 days of school.
                        Yes, those shoes match/will be comfortable/are weather-appropriate.
                        Yes, Dad will be home around 6 PM. Just like I told you 3 minutes ago.

             And to boot, his OCD sparks oppositional defiance that is frequent and persistent. Basically, he's almost always irritable, angry, or straight-up deifying instruction from adults with authority over him (ie. all adults) but particularly me.



I’m a fairly hard-lined parenter. Like: I already gave you an answer, there’s no discussion kind of parent. Like, you want to complain about that, now you can do this too kind of parent. (And, for the record, I call this good parenting.)

But my son is pretty much turning any shred of intuition, success, or aptitude I may have held as a parent into crap. It-doesn't-work, there-is-no-logic crap.

From the humbling ground of square-one, I am having to learn how to parent OCD. And it's way, way less intuitive and more time-consuming. It is smash-your-head-against-the-wall-difficult.

It feels like everything I've been fighting for parentally for the last decade is lost behind a wall of my son's irrational fears and emotions I have to help him (a) recognize are not real and (b) learn to fight against. 

It used be like, hey kid: use polite language and gracious manners. Apologize. Look a person in the eye and speak up. Struggle to think of others. Lying is unacceptable.

Now, it's like: you will drink out of the same cup twice. Yes you can.


I don't know where it goes from here. I don't.

My husband and I are constantly fighting for our gentle, agreeable, funny child trapped behind these struggles with thoughts stronger than he has learned to fight and emotions bigger than he has learned to sort. 

We go to therapy. He does. My husband and I do so we can parent him - and hopefully not lose our minds in the process. There are books for us and workbooks for him. We're talking about medication. And really, we're struggling every day with him. 

Oh, so, I guess that’s how I tell you there is something wrong with my child.

The mental illness in my son's brain is the new Terrible in our lovely lives. But onward we plod, fighting for the greater Lovely. Fighting for our boy.



10 comments:

  1. Your raw honesty is one of your best qualities, Jen. I admire your courage to call hard things hard, without the positive spin. And, girl, you can write. I would read your grocery list if it were publicly available.

    Hang in there, mama. Prayers for wisdom, patience, endurance, and hope. (Also, I have this bizarre habit of looking for adult versions of my children in hopes of reassuring myself that they might one day turn into likable, productive members of society. In the off chance that this is helpful and not just weird, I offer this: One of my best lawyer friends lives with OCD. I am continually blown away by how conscientious, careful and methodical he is. He is particularly well-suited for the type of work we do, and he is indeed a likable friend and a devoted, respectable father and husband.)

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    1. Sweet Anna, thank you so much for that. All of it. And indeed, the story of your coworker friend is quite encouraging and not at all weird. Much appreciated!

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  2. i haven't read your blog in some time, but in spite of all the terrible, you are still a gifted writer. And, you are a wonderful mother, wife, and friend. You are the "lovely" in this storm called life. I wish I had healing words, but you possess the inner wisdom/voice that reminds me of all the twists and turns that come from parenting.
    I do know for a fact, that you are not the only parents to have navigated the OCD storm. I've witnessed many parents deal with the issues you've so succinctly explained. These parents have weathered many a storm, and at some point there will be a "leveling off" period where your boy will hit his own stride, in his own time.
    You've always been one of the most graceful and inspiring women I met through cancer and The Living Beauty organization. I miss and think of you often. In the meantime, let your instincts be your guide, and when you feel uncertain, I hope that you will take that much needed deep breath, and begin anew. You are enough, and you will get through this. I love you.
    Melanie

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    1. Melanie, what a treat to hear from you. Thank you for your kind words. I know that not only are we not the only parents to navigate OCD, others navigate far more difficult challenges in both parenting and in life in general. Perspective is always helpful. Thanks again for your encouragement. Much love to you my LB sister.

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  3. Oh Jen...you tell it like it is. Thank you for your honesty. You are a blessing to many. You ARE a great parent! Life is full of unexpected challenges. Roses have thorns. You will manage this. I miss you.

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  4. wow....for a second there, I thought you were describing my son! :) We should chat sometime.
    One battle at a time. Cherish the wins. Be kind to yourself.

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    1. Gina! First, I miss you. Like I even miss when we had more time and used to talk virtually. You hold a sweet spot in my heart. Secondly, this is not the comment I want to hear - not very good news. We can arrange a phone call or try to carve out some time to email each other at length. I'm up for either.

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  5. Oh Jennifer, this makes me cry for you. I too have struggled with mental illnes in a son.

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    1. I wish you much strength for your battles and thank you for your encouragement amidst mine.

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