I would love to say that with the growth of the baby inside me, all the bad clouding my days faded away…. as though a magic fairy had waved a wand of normal and good across my strange body. But of course, that simply wouldn’t be so – it simply wouldn’t be real life.
Most certainly, I am lifted out of sorrow with a deep and moving hope. But I do still wake up every day to maneuver the tribulations before me - as we all do - stubborn, pervasive troubles.
The radiation side effects are primarily localized skin irritation and progressive fatigue… manageable. But meanwhile, arthritis symptoms have taken hold of my chest and hip joints, debilitating me into a slow-moving, rather defeated cripple (who is still pretty bald.)
Anti-inflammatory drugs are not safe for use during pregnancy. Instead, I am using a walker to get around. I am having a particularly difficult time accepting that, even after the cancer treatments conclude, I may still have this awful disease of Spondylitis – accepting that I may be like this forever.
At this point, I haven’t yet shed Cancer Patient from how I see myself and perceive others to be seeing me. I keep a steady stream of self-deprecating jokes on-hand… I am, after all, a crippled, pregnant lady, who has cancer. Does it get any more physically handicapped than that?
Inside, I’m appalled this is who I am. On the outside, well, just give me your parking spot.
One day at a time.
…Unless someone has a wand I can borrow?