Searching for Home

For roughly 9 months we have been house hunting and have made more offers than I can remember. Actually, that’s a lie. With a little bit of thought, I could walk you through every house we toured and got excited about, each one we called our parents about, each offer we wrote – and ultimately did not get.

I try not to get excited, try to remain as calm and aloof as my husband manages to. But each time, visions of furniture arrangements and improvement projects manage to creep into my sleepless nights of anxiety. And each time, I am brought to the humble low of disappointment.

Over the months of practice, I get slightly better at the process - slightly better at remaining emotionally detached from the brick and mortar possibilites. I stop telling my family after every offer we make. I avoid looking up makeover projects online. But I just cannot manage to shut-out the excitement – and then the disappointment.

It’s only a place to live, I tell myself. It’s just walls that house us. Nothing more. I hear that. And I even believe it, for the most part.

But I also really want to stop moving. I want to unpack all of the boxes in the corners of our garage, for good, or at least for long enough to get rid of the boxes themselves. I want to paint the walls whatever colors I please and make upgrades and changes without asking a landlord. I want to stop writing a rent check and work toward the golden challenge that is equity. I want it to be ours.

This month, when we find an amazing house just in our price range and make the only offer on the table, I get excited again. The sellers counter our offer and we accept. All of my rules are getting broken as I lose sleep imagining the possibilities. I call my parents. I research the schools nearby. I get lost in the prospect. Even though I keep saying “if” we get the house, I mostly think it’s “when” we get the house.

And then we don’t.

Another offer comes in at the end and is higher than ours. I am defeated and pushing back the sadness. But at the same time, I fully recognize that these are the normal adversities of life – the challenges we are privileged to undergo.

Yes, I am privileged today to be in a place so sound that my defeat stems from the house I live in, or rather, don’t live in.

One day, God will lead us through the front door of our home. Or maybe not. But I understand so long as I am well enough to lose sleep over the roof we live under, I am well.

As originally published here: